It’s Time

I gave myself three weeks to get over not eating sugar by allowing myself to eat pretty much what I want in the amount that I wanted. What did I discover? I can still eat a lot of calories even when sugar isn’t involved. But I already knew that and I bet you did too.

What else? white bread + real butter is crack. For real, I love bread with butter, just as much as I love a good brownie- if not more. I think.

So while I love that I’m not eating sugar, not eating it alone won’t tackle this excess weight. And that is kind of the point. I’ve been having serious conversations with myself lately in the form of:

  • How am I going to lose this weight?
  • What am I willing to sacrifice/change in order to make it happen?
  • Am I ready? (thanks to Roni for that one)
  • Why is weight my struggle?
  • And finally: WHY do I want to lose weight?

A lot of you comment/email me and mention how honest and candid I am, and I really try to keep that in my blog. I try to be as real and as honest with what I’m dealing with as possible (without totally embarrassing myself or my family) and I want to be more of that. Why?

Because I think there is a certain level of denial that goes into being a fat person. There are things I tell myself to make it okay. And why shouldn’t I? I have to function in this world, and to constantly be “woah is me” about my weight can be a waste of time. Besides, who wants to hear it? I’ve realized that few people in life care as much about my weight as I do.

I make an effort in my real life to not put myself down about my weight. I don’t play the “I’m so fat” “I have no willpower” “I’ll never be thin” “I’m off the wagon–again” card with anyone. I used to, in college, but I’m too old for that now. Nor do I praise those who seem to be effortlessly thin.

I say this all to say: denial is a big word. It’s huge, and it means something different to everyone. So I’m asking myself lately to really dig deep:

What am I telling myself to make this lifestyle okay?

How do I justify sabotage?

How do I explain eating four thousand calories in a day?

I don’t have immediate, easy, or uncomplicated answers for these questions. I’m not even sure there is one answer to them. What I do know is this: I sabotage myself out of fear. Fear of greatness. Fear of accomplishment. Fear of what other people will think. Fear that bad things will happen once I lose weight.

Illogical fear, that right now, I cannot explain. Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George says to his therapist :”God would never let me be successful; he’d kill me first. He’d never let me be happy.” Therapist: “I thought you didn’t believe in God?” George: “I do for the bad things.” It’s as crazy as that. For some reason I believe that I’m not worth caring for myself on that level. And as I type this, I know that is very silly and in my case George’s God would be me.

This is what I came up with:

How am I going to lose my excess weight? According to those often debated BMI charts I need to weigh somewhere between 108-145 lbs. The 108 made me laugh. I have no interest in weighing 108 lbs. I haven’t weighed that since I was in 4th grade. This means that I need to lose 160 pounds to be in a normal weight range for my body.

And according to the basal metabolic calculators I need to eat (at my current weight) about 1,700 calories a day with 5-6 days of exercise a week to lose a minimum of two pounds a week. And those are the mathematics of it all. I’ve discussed this here before.

But how do I make this happen? The answer leads me to…

What am I willing to sacrifice/change in order to lose weight? This is a good question and one that I’ve avoided answering for a long time. Making my weight loss a priority rather than an option is one mental shift I need to change. I want to lose weight, that is a given, but I’m not willing to do it by eating foods I don’t love, that is also a given. But what I have to understand and implement in my life is that I don’t need so much food to be a healthy, functioning adult. I don’t have to eat 100 calorie packs of popcorn for lunch to be thin. I don’t have to skip meals, drink diet soda, eat frozen meals or drink meal replacement shakes to lose weight.

But I do have to plan. I do have to be prepared. I do have to compromise and stop believing that I deserve to eat so much food instead of feeling pain. That is something that I need to come to terms with.

My next answer touches on the Am I ready? question. Am I ready to plan my meals out the day before? Am I ready to stop bringing trigger foods into the house? Am I ready to make dinner even if it’s easier to order pizza? Am I ready to take care of myself on days when it’s hard to get out of bed? Am I ready to choose the smaller portion? Am I ready not to give in to any desire to overeat? Am I ready to take the time to count calories? Am I ready to keep a journal? Am I ready to become a healthier person? Am I ready to believe I deserve to become this person? Am I ready to exercise even when I’m tired or too busy?

Up until now…I don’t think I was ready. I know I wasn’t ready, or I’d be there. I would have done this. I wanted it to be easy. I wanted to eat whatever I wanted in the amounts that I wanted and still be thin. I wanted to make few changes if any at all. I wanted to rely on a diet or a program to change me. I wanted to just buy the book, or the exercise dvd or the gym membership. I wanted the results, but I did not want to change my actions the get them.

Why do I want to lose 160+ pounds?

I truly, truly want to know what it’s like not to be fat. Not to feel overweight, not to squeeze my thighs into chairs. I want to know what it feels like to make this happen.

I want to be accepted into a health care plan. Right now, I would be denied and I couldn’t afford it. I’ve tried.

I want to get pregnant and not be fearful. I don’t want to be fat and pregnant. I don’t want to worry about a c-section, or being a high risk pregnancy. I don’t want to be exposed on the table in front of people at this weight. The thought is absolutely terrifying.

I want to be a better wife. My husband deserves a healthy wife- long term. He deserves to not worry about me having a stroke, cancer or heart attack when I’m in my 50’s.

I want to be able to run for three miles without having to stop and walk. Or having my feet go numb.

I want to go to the doctor and not have the weight talk. I want to go to the doctor and not have everything be about my weight. Like the time I had an ingrown toenail and the nurse practitioner was convinced it was because I was pre-diabetic. I wasn’t, I just needed the toenail removed.

So there you have it. I’ll be back tomorrow. It’s time to make this happen…

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